Sometimes you rush headlong into something only to be brought up short. Sometimes plans change. Such has proved to be the case for us as we charged forward with our plans for turning our homestead into a farm business this year. We reached a point around mid-April where it became clear that something had to give. It - our plan, our to-do lists, our health and sanity - was not working. Far from enjoying and getting satisfaction from the work as I had in the past and had expected to going forward, I began dreading it. Resenting it. Instead of being a positive force in our lives it had become a drain and a source of anxiety and frustration.
I struggled with the worry that I was giving up too soon - that I simply wasn't tough enough. In theory I was fully aware of the time, effort and sacrifices that would be involved when I signed on for this (though I think, a bit like parenthood, you don't really know how tough a go it'll be until you're in the midst of it), and believed I could handle it - that the rewards would be sufficient and the fulfillment enough to replace the energy spent. So I struggled, telling myself that this is what I wanted, what I was supposed to be getting satisfaction from; that I was just being a wimp now that the going was getting tough. That can be a pretty convincing argument for me, supported by numerous examples of others who are doing it with much less angst.
After some discussions between Jim and I - during which we came to the realization that we were each pursuing this particular path primarily for reasons related to the other - and giving some thought to where we find ourselves after the tough Winter we had, it seems more clear to me that it's not a particular wimpyness on my part, but a case of needing to put things in their place. First things first.
This Winter and the time spent frantically trying to keep up this Spring have made quite clear the fact that there are too many basic needs and facts of life that have been too long ignored or pushed to the background in favor of the latest great project or simply the frantic pace of life. Life since Garrett and Drew were born has been lived primarily in crisis mode: two inadequately prepared parents trying our best to adapt to our new reality and the constant changes it entailed (entails). And that, among other things, has left us spent, drained. Talking good talk, but honestly, not living in a consistent manner. And that has taken its toll.
As I began reading the book Simplicity Parenting (which I highly recommend) this Spring, this sentence jumped off the page:
"Making do, flying by the seat of our pants, barely seeing one another, always improvising, revolving doors, crazy schedules, unchecked emotions, strangers in the same house."and another:
"We are facing an enormous problem in our lives today. It's so big we can hardly see it, and it's right in front of our face all day, every day. We're all living too big lives, crammed from top to toe with activities, urgencies and obligations that seem absolute. There's no time to take a breath, no time to look for the source of the problem." (Sarah Susanka, "The Not So Big Life")It is time for a breath. To take on less rather than more, and spend some time caring for ourselves, reflecting, and finding our way back to the intentionally simple life we want to live. Time to find new rhythms to our days and weeks that make sense and feed us where we are, not where we think we should be or wish we were, or might be down the road. This is a novel concept around here and will take some getting used to for sure. I don't know quite what it will look like, but we are agreed that at this point in time it does not include starting up and running a farm as a business.
That being said, we still have our meat birds which will be ready for purchase in a couple weeks (Memorial Day weekend), and have decided for now at least to keep the layer chicks we ordered this Spring, so come the end of summer we will have eggs aplenty and then some (dozens to be exact). And all those layers will be needing a proper coop to call home pretty soon.
So we have a few loose ends to tie up. But beyond that, my hope is that we will be stepping back, focusing inward a bit more and getting our house in order in the months ahead - quite literally, and figuratively as well. And then, better grounded, moving forward, whatever direction that might take.
We've also been working on the garden: planting seeds, tending seedlings, transplanting, clearing wood off the garden (from the many small trees Jim took down to increase the amount of light)
The chicks are growing fast: the broilers are in a large pen Jim built in the porch awaiting an outside shelter (hopefully next weekend...) and the layers have graduated to multiple bins in the bathroom and are awaiting the broilers' move outside so they can take over the porch. Just in time for us to pick up our second installment of layers at the end of the month. Have I mentioned there is never a dull moment around here?
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