I'm just about at the end of my rope. It seems to go in cycles: For a while things seem manageable, and I feel rather proud of myself for how well I'm rising to the task of caring for Drew & Garrett, and I find motivation and energy to try some new things, and work on some projects of my own. Life seems to be working pretty smoothly, all things considered. Then bit by bit, short nap by sleepless night by colds by less time to myself..., things seem to crumble around me and I find myself exhausted, frustrated, out of patience and despairing of simply keeping up with the simple necessities. It's not a pretty place (Jim, Drew & Garrett can testify).
Before the boys were born, but I think while I was pregnant, I remember someone telling me of a friend who, after having her baby "couldn't wait to get back to work". And I wondered why she even wanted to have a baby in the first place if she was just going to end up longing to leave every day to go back to work. Was I judgemental? Yes. Clueless? Oh, yes.
I now have a somewhat better understanding of what that mom might have felt. I find myself fantasizing about the day that I'm able to drop the boys off at preschool, or watch them get on the bus and then walk back into the house: to hear the quiet, to have some portion of the day during which I am not immediately needed; some time the I can count on and have some small measure of control over. (Yes, I do realize that I will also miss them like crazy when it's actually happening... But this is a fantasy, so I can ignore that part for the moment...)
One of the hardest things for me in this time of being a stay-at-home mom is not being able to count on most anything. To not have control over my time. To be on call 24-7, with very few (but precious) breaks. I've been told that those with my personality type have a very difficult time dealing with interruptions, with not having consistent time alone to recharge. I think if I was being interviewed for this job, there might be some serious concerns raised about my qualifications. I'm told this will get better, easier, as the boys get older and more independent (and can be reasoned with...). But for the meantime, it remains quite a struggle, figuring out how to live with little to no control over my time, and a "routine" that seems to change daily at times.
Yes, I realize this is an opportunity for me to learn to ease my vice grip on the need to control everything around me and let go, take things more as they come. But in the meantime, I will keep slogging through until the cycle begins to turn again and things start to fall back into place once more.
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3 comments:
Hang in there, Annie! I feel your pain. Or, at least, I can sympathize from the other side of the fence. After switching jobs recently, I took a *whole* week off and spent every day with Francie. It was so much fun and it made going back to work so hard. And all I can think about lately is how I would love to be at home full time. But I also realize that if I were, I might go just a tad crazy. It seems that while we can have it all, we also can never really win, either way.
I totally agree. It does go both ways, and I'm very lucky to be able to stay home with D&G. I suppose there is a cost & benefit with everything, and - for me anyway - it seems to work such that they each take turns coloring my perspective of things... I haven't figured out how to get a nice balance yet, but I keep trying.
I know it's a strange comment to make, but... you know I don't care, so... well written, Annie!
-Dan N
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