Freedom and Doubt

It's funny, in an interesting sort of way, that I discovered Jim's most recent post as I opened the blog to add a post of my own. I had been toying with two ideas to write about, freedom, and doubt. And Jim's post touches on both. Which is not surprising, since I think those two themes have been interwoven in our lives lately.

Jim gave a good picture of what's been going on. It's hard in the middle of it all to see how we'll accomplish everything, let alone keep believing in the dream of becoming more self-sufficient (we can't even keep up with our starter garden, how will we ever be able to grow an even greater percentage of our food... what were we thinking?!). And the doubts begin to creep in. And then a door closes that seemed like it would surely open, and trusting becomes even harder. We've been learning a lot about trust over this past year (I can hardly believe that we're just a couple weeks shy of one year since we first saw this house!); at least it's been a real learning curve for me. To let go and trust in the face of and alongside doubts. That's one of the gifts of this journey, I think, the growing ability to register doubts but not be unduly swayed by them (well, most of the time... this is a learning process...). That being said, sometimes the doubts threaten to tip the balance in their favor, and this has been one of those times.

Intertwined in the treading water and doubts is the idea of freedom. Loss of freedom is one of those things you are vaguely aware of before having kids, and anticipate and prepare yourself for, but just don't really understand until you experience it. It is one of the harder things for me in this new life with Drew and Garrett. I go for good stretches without really noticing amidst the daily routine. But every so often the realization of the loss gets kicked up and it is a yearning so powerful. This is one of those times. Set off by the extra-ordinary circumstances of potty training, garden urgency and Jim's longer hours, and made greater by the taste of real freedom we had a week or so ago when we had the chance to spend the day at Blossom with a good friend for a concert we'd been anticipating for months. To have a day away, as adults, time to spend with a friend, surrounded by music and other people who are just as thrilled to be there and sharing in the music as us: experiencing the freedom. To see others headed off on a road trip to follow the band to the next stop, but to head, instead, back home to a mountain of undone chores and projects, and to then try to accomplish those things with such frequent interruptions and less time together: realizing how much freedom we've given up.

Yet, while all of that is true, no getting around it, the real trick then, is figuring out how to, on one hand accept things as they are, rather than keep yearning for the past, and on the other, figure out how to see the freedom that we do have or could have if we got creative and worked bits and pieces into our lives as they are right now. Because this is our reality, and we all know that, no matter how tempting it may be at times..., we wouldn't trade our lives with Drew and Garrett for our old lives back.

And so we keep working to trust and let go, just like Jim said in his post, to see both sides of the picture. What needs and wants to be done, and what we have already accomplished. Time and grace. And to learn to better accept the current reality of diminished freedom, yet not roll over and give up the fight for the bits and pieces we can find and enjoy. There is a balance there, somewhere.

On a different matter, a few new recipes have been added to the recipe page: frittata, shepherd's pie and a basic muffin recipe. Enjoy!