School Boys

Today Drew and Garrett start their second week of preschool. The first week went well. There were some tears on the first day (and an image of Garrett's crying face at the window that will not soon be forgotten), but I'm told those tears did not last, and had long turned to smiles by the time the morning was over. Perhaps at some point it will lose its novelty, but so far they have both been postive and excited about the whole experience, if a bit nervous when it comes to actually saying goodbye.

It has been a strange experience for me. One that has felt very personal, to be held close, hard to put into words. For the past three and a half years, these boys have been it. They have necessarily taken center stage and caring for them and simply living with them has been a constant endeavor. We have been companions. Sometimes willing, sometimes not so much.

I will be honest, I have been looking forward to the start of preschool for, quite literally, years. To have a few hours a week that I could own. That I could count on (barring the inevitable sick days and snow days, of course). To breathe. To right the balance a bit.

As the time got closer, I started to realize that despite needing the time and looking forward to it, I would also miss these boys like I didn't expect. I begain to realize that I would have to let go of their hands - the feeling of which has grown to be a part of me - and let them walk through the door into a place that would be their own instead of ours together. And that I would have to do this in all likelihood inspite of tears (on both sides). Reminding myself that this is one of those times when they are being challenged to grow and stretch themselves and those times are often a bit messy in the transition but so worth it in the end.

We are still in the midst of that transition. We have walked through a door, and it is good. We have this gift: For me, a more balanced life, a chance to breathe, feed myself and grow, and hopefully come to the task of caring for these boys with more to give; For Garrett and Drew, a chance to gain confidence and belief in themselves, to grow further into their own selves, to explore and have fun. We are still finding our footing, perhaps a bit dazedly, slowly falling into this new rhythm, and - with a few steps back or out of step here and there - starting off on this new section of the journey. I'm learning to experience it as it comes, not force it, and trust in the time it takes to become confident in our steps, alone and together.