Can't Hack It

Recently I did a library search hoping to find some picture books to share with the boys relating to starting school (yikes!). The results the catalog produced were surprising and discouraging. I couldn't believe how many books there were related to school being bad. This is not news, I suppose. I grew up knowing that it wasn't "cool" to like school, hearing the message from peers and the culture at large. But I was surprised at how prevalent the message was in kids books, and picture books at that. The boys recently picked out a book unrelated to school, which described different kinds of snow. One kind was that which sends you home from places "you'd rather not be, like work or school..." On one hand, I'm not one to deny the gloriousness of a snow day (a rare treat growing up, despite living in the snow capital of NE Ohio). But as I am preparing to lead Drew and Garrett into their first experiences with school, it strikes me as sad that this is how our culture portrays the institution of learning and therefore learning itself.

And then there is the adult equivalent: work. Once we have successfully survived school, we find a new "place we'd rather not be" waiting for us. I came across a quote recently describing the effect this attitude has on shaping kids' attitudes. The first few words say it all: "The common practice of being miserable in a job..." Because of course it is common practice in our culture to dislike work, to put in the time all the while longing to be somewhere else. Yet, at the same time we complain about work and the numerous ways it is intruding into our lives and generally making us miserable, "...most Americans are willing to look the other way. Our culture has placed a high value on the willingness to clock hours for an employer, and to protest is almost shameful." As journalist Jonathan Rowe states, "a sanctity has grown up around the assault on time. It is as though temporal exhaustion, and the self-exhaustion it involves, is a devotional act, almost a form of communion."

As Jim's hours have increased over the past several months - even year - first in fits and starts, then under unstated expectations and most recently in mandated increases, our struggles with the elusive work/life balance have increased. While we've always harbored dreams of not working 9-5 jobs and instead doing work we really enjoy, it's always been just that, a dream; not practical, not responsible, not realistic. Work has been - while sometimes enjoyable and fulfilling - mostly a necessary and expected evil.

As Jim's work hours have increased, however, we've found ourselves struggling under quite a bit of resultant stress: less time together and greater crankiness in the time we have, less time to do the things we feel are of lasting importance and of greatest fulfillment to us individually, as a couple and as a family. And as we've struggled with these realities, I have found myself wondering: what is wrong with us that we are struggling with this so much? Why can't we hack it? Look how much others work and take it in stride. I have felt almost embarrassed, self-conscious, sharing with some friends and family the struggles. "Our culture has placed a high value on the willingness to clock hours for an employer, and to protest is almost shameful." There is a special, additional guilt in these current times, with the difficulties many are having simply finding work to pay the bills.

Who are we to want or expect more?

But we just can't seem to help it. I don't want to raise my boys to dread going to school and dislike it while they are there. I want them to love learning and believe that it is cool. I don't want them to simply "behave in school, study their lessons diligently, demonstrate a strong work ethic, and become an ideal employee someday". I want them to have the freedom to figure out what their passions are, believe in and follow them. I want them to learn that work can be fulfilling and meaningful. (And not just for the boys, but for Jim and I, too!) Yet they are facing an uphill battle. We can certainly give them a good start in their attitude about school, and encourage them, but sooner or later they will become aware of the surrounding cultural bias against enjoying school/learning, and will they be able to withstand that?

And when it comes to work, how do we counteract the "common practice of being miserable in a job", when we have been and are more than ever living the "poor Daddy, he had to go to work again today" life? Is it hypocritical that we should be living this way while proclaiming to believe in and aspire to a different, better way of living? Or is the fact that we are struggling with this (lack of) balance, protesting and rejecting (if only in spirit so far) this norm real, and a step along the path to finding a different, better way of living?

Either way, we can't hack it. We don't fit into the world of work first and separate from the rest of our lives. It would be a lot easier if we did. But instead, we choose to walk this different path, without a clear map of where it leads, hoping it will be worth it, after all, for Garrett and Drew and for us.