Staying Home Part Two

A few weeks ago I shared some thoughts about staying home with Drew and Garrett and the mixed blessing that has been. I closed that post with the conclusion that, even given all the struggles, I still believe it is the path, a good path, for us. And with the question: how can I then create a richer, more satisfying life that will benefit myself, and also the boys, while remaining commited to staying home with them as they grow?

Perhaps there were ways that I could have created a better balance all along. I'm not sure. It is something I wonder about and find myself regretting. It is hard, with the benefit of hindsight, and experience under my belt, to stay out of the trap of second guessing my actions, of criticizing myself for doing or not doing things that I see now I could have done differently. But it is difficult to move forward and change, lugging that weight and focus with me. So instead: Breathe. Set it down. Turn the other way, and step.

With the boys in preschool, I now have a real opportunity for a reconsidered focus and intention. A chance to begin to right the balance and give some serious thought to how I can carve out a course for myself that is in some way separate from being solely "mommy". A course that can fill me up, for my own sake, and so I can come to the boys with more to offer as well. To me, the start of preschool feels very keenly like taking a deliberate step through a door into a new, wide open space. I don't know quite what that space looks like yet. There is much to explore, and I have the sense that it will really only become clear as I move out into it. It is a place of learning to trust. To shake free a bit, to relearn how to walk without two little ones holding my hands, and to learn how to welcome those little ones back and send them out again as they learn to walk on their own for the first time.

So how do I begin to create this "richer, more satisfying" life while still committing to be a "stay-at-home mom"? How do I make use of the experience I have gained, and the things I have learned? First I am going to enjoy this time to myself. It has been a long time coming, and I am going to soak it up. I am going to rejoice in it and spend it doing things that I enjoy and that bring me fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment (with perhaps even a "vacation day" thrown in now and then...). Second, I am going to breathe. I am going to try to be more mindful of my days. To work on accepting them as they come, rather than trying so very hard to control them as I am used to doing. To take a step back from Garrett and Drew and try to see them more as who they are and are growing to be and to begin to shift my perception and my role of being their caregiver, protector and provider, to (more so) being their encourager, secure home, and helper. And to give myself the grace to stumble around while I do it.

That all sounds very good to me, and it is my intention going forward. In reality, there are weeks of just trying (and failing) to keep up with life amid colds and roof projects, and on and on. In reality there are afternoons when the boys are out of control as they struggle to adjust to all the changes going on around them and we all end up crying messes. But in the midst of those times, there are also moments when I am able to feel and show more compassion than I used to, to Garrett as he acts out at bedtime out of tiredness and his difficulty adapting to all the change (and, in the first place, to be able to see and understand the reasons behind the behavior). When I am excited to pick up the boys from school, or when I realize with some amazement, that I can look forward to another morning to myself again the next day. When I realize that more than I have been, I am able to let go and put a bit of (healthy) distance between myself and the boys. So I think that perhaps I am on a good path, new and uncharted and sometimes rocky as it may be. For now, it will do.