Preparing for Christmas

It's hard to believe that it's already Christmastime again. This picture was our first Christmas picture with the boys - then 10 months old, and having no clue what Christmas was, other than the lights on the tree looked pretty cool, and the paper was neat to tear. This year, it will probably be more of the same, but with quite a bit more enthusiasm and maybe a little more focus on the toys over the wrappings. They've seen pictures of Santa, waved to one at the mall and seem to like him, though we haven't tried to get them to sit on his lap yet...

Last year was a rough Christmas. Everyone said to us "You're going to have such a great first Christmas with Drew & Garrett! You must be so excited!". But for me it was a hard, often sad Christmas. Instead of the joy everyone seemed to believe I should be experiencing, I was struggling with how different everything was, and how much it just seemed like work. I love Christmas, and I suppose I'm still quite a kid about it, so it was really hard to have to give up some of the things that made Christmas a joy in the past, without the added benefit of a pair of jumping-up-and-down-excited boys to counteract the extra work and sacrifices. I was still at the point of trying to just keep up with taking care of all that Drew & Garrett needed, seemingly constantly, without all the Christmas preparations. Then less than a week before Christmas, Jim got really sick and was out of commission for a couple days straight. I don't know that I've ever felt more tired or alone than I did those couple days. In the end it all worked out and we did have a very nice time with family and friends, but it was a pretty rough road getting there.

So I'm hoping this year will be better. I've been excited about the preparations and anticipation, and am enjoying the cozy fire in our woodstove, and writing Christmas cards, getting gifts for people, and maybe soon putting up a tree. We even tried making a construction paper chain with the boys like I used to make when I was little - something I remember really enjoying. It was messy and obviously Jim & I did most of the work, but it was good. (See the sidebar for a picture.) Maybe we're starting to feel more like a family than just two caregivers. I'm more comfortable and feel more capable (most of the time...) of taking care of the boys, plus they are getting so big that they need less hands on care than they did last year. And we're able to do more with them. It's still a bit of an ordeal to go shopping with them, but we can, and if we're in the right mindset, it can even be a fun time out together. Christmas will never be the way it used to be; it is, especially as they get older, more about Drew and Garrett than Jim & I. And that is good. Though it is also a little sad to me, in a nostalgic sort of way. But I can't wait for the years when they are old enough to be so excited that they seem about to burst, and before they get to the phase when Christmas is just about getting things. And I am also hopeful that along the way I will re-learn some of that wonder and joy that I think is really what this season is about.

Some of you we are looking forward to seeing soon, and for those who we won't get to see, we're thinking about you. May we all rediscover some childlike wonder this Christmas!